As I sit here I try and piece together the elements of my life; wondering all the time if I am where I want to be and how I decided what it is that I want anyway.
Some people say I think too much, as if thinking in itself is a bad thing and might be dangerous for me. But its not the amount you think that can be harmful but the way. Worry is harmful; contemplation and self awareness is just not. Especially if you focus on a positive goal or if that thinking is so you can take charge of your own life.
So what elements do I want to have in my life?
Desire I guess is one of the things, desire to feel more and to be more. To reach heights in my personal development that continue to inspire and challenge me. A balance of the tough aspects of me and life and that of the serene. I don’t want a one toned life or one that has been built by others.
Unique, individual; those are words that appeal to me.
Yet it’s painful; this thing of ripping off layers and trying to make yourself anew.
How can it not be?
You have to keep challenging yourself to be authentic; looking in the mirror and keep asking “But is THIS me?” and non of these things are easy. To keep realising that what you lived before wasn’t real; not real to you at any sense and that perhaps, just perhaps you have been designed by others. Maybe you are a reflection of all their pain and insecurities rather than the glorious creature you really are and can be.
You realise that you have missed things, opportunities perhaps or the chance to be really connected to someone because you just were not healed and whole enough at the time to embrace them.
As painful as it is and can be though it is incredible. It’s an amazing journey that continues to push you in directions you never thought possible. You can feel it; this becoming of self and you crave more and more as the layers continue to peel away or be burnt away! It can be like that; like a burning as your passions burn through the dull and the boring that you may have allowed your life to become. The inauthentic and the ridiculous that you have somehow become just because others decided it fit into their mould.
I try and wake every morning and ask myself “What can I do today that inspires me; that makes me feel more alive and more like me?”
Some days the answers don’t come. There is blankness and indecision and on others the ideas hit me like rainbows; shining bright and my mind just full of things I want to do. It is an ebb and flow like the ocean and it cannot be forced. You have days when you just need to rest and let your mind catch up and others when like a torrent you can push away and everything feels possible.
For me the important thing is to keep asking and to keep knowing that change is coming and that it is happening at a rate that I can cope with. I have become used to who I was and I have to allow time for the change to come and to happen in a way that doesn’t put me off its course. What I mean by this is if its too ferocious a thing then I might pull back and not want to move forwards. I have to except and enjoy the ebb and flow; to appreciate that each day is different and what I can cope with is different. Only then can I really be kind to myself in a way that allows the brave in me to come out and play.
Only then can I keep on the path; the one that I am making and the one that will lead to my true heart, to the home inside of me that feels just oh so right.