The thorn in my side


You know when you have that sensation that something is not quite right, like a splinter in your finger; its such a small thing but it really catches your attention and refuses to let you rest.

For many years I felt discontent, as if something was missing and not quite right. I tried to fill this void, with relationships, at times with going out and ‘having fun’ with buying things or doing well at work and earning money and getting promoted. Yet I would always return to that state of ‘something is not quite right’ and continued to feel fulfilled.

It frustrated and upset me because I knew on some level that I had the answers and that this state was one that I didn’t need to be in.

I tried to seek advice and to work with either therapists or to ask friends, yet all the advice I gladly took from people only seemed to take me further away from whatever it was that kept poking away at me.

I think the real changes started to come ten years ago when I got my first horse and returned to my fist love; that of horses. For some reason being around them showed me that I had been living a life of illusion and one in which I wasn’t really being myself, but rather a version that everyone else wanted me to be. I didn’t like what I saw in myself and although I was successful on the surface, I didn’t feel it inside.

It wasn’t easy; seeing this in myself and realising that I had strayed so far from my path. Yet once I knew it then there was no ignoring the fact that there needed to be drastic changes.

I realised that the thorn in my side; the endless sensation of something being there was a version of myself that I needed to become. It had felt wrong because I had ignored it until it become so uncomfortable it felt separate from myself, yet it was the very part of me that I needed and it needed me.

It surprised me to realise this, that there was a part of me that was more real and precious then the version that I had become but that at first it felt uncomfortable and wrong. I think it was because it would stick out; this version. It would make others uncomfortable and so at first I feared it. I tried to become something close to it, like putting on a coat with without really becoming it.

I needed to completely except myself to embrace the version of me that was real and was right and over the years I have found that not only has it become comfortable but its become an exquisite thing. It frees you from others opinions and from the thoughts they may have on you. It literally saves you from your own life and allows you to feel happy and secure in your own skin.

Not only that but it radiates out bringing the people and circumstances that truly reflect you and making everything in your life just fit beautifully.

The struggle is worth it, the knowing of yourself the most gorgeous thing you can give to yourself. Your life; your path is not something anyone else can give you but the most wonderful gift you can give to yourself.







How deep is your love?


Love, yes that word. The one we use hundreds of thousands of times in a lifetime and yet the one word that probably has a thousand different meanings and a thousand different ways to be misunderstood.

No one love is the same as any other; it just simply can’t be. Every person is so unique and different, the way that they feel and receive love is always different.
I don’t really know if everyone understands this; they often use the word hoping that it speaks volumes in itself and yet there are so many ways to love, to show it and feel it. Sometimes just saying the words are not enough.
For me love is an active thing, an active force in my life and one that needs feeding and taking care of. Its not a passive thing that can sit on the shelf and be taken out for special occasions. Love to me is something that needs taking care of in itself and its something I don’t understand in others unless they are able to show me. I can’t understand love just from the word; it doesn’t mean anything to me. Actions or understanding of how you love me; those are the keys to how I will feel it. It is both a mental understanding and a physical one. That is just how it works for me.
I am still trying to understand what is the perfect brand of love for me? Maybe there isn’t one and the way that I feel loved completely is to have different types of love in my life; like different colours of the same rainbow. Love from my family, from my pets, from a partner. They are all different and all important.
I like intense love; the kind that blows your shocks off and makes your heart beat faster.  I like to feel it intensively and to be given it intensely. I think that is why I choose to have just a few relationships in my life because I prefer less people but more intense feeling; more connection and more understanding. I know people struggle with this; my intensity but its something I adore about myself and I’m not willing to compromise.
Love for me is made up of so many different elements and qualities. It is not a thing in itself ‘love’ and when people say to me that love is the most important thing in life, its not that I disagree but to me there is more meaning to it.
Love to me is passion and patience, intensity and understanding. I don’t feel someone can love me if they don’t know the many different and varied parts of me. It doesn’t mean they have to love all parts of my life but they need to feel very passionate about most of them. Maybe that is when things go wrong, when someone loves you for only one part of you or maybe for who they want you to be rather than who you are. I have definitely found that. I don’t want to be loved for being cute or pretty, I want to be loved for my passion, for my mind and for my strong heart. I want to be loved for what I have achieved on a personal level not on how nice my eyes are or how long my hair is. That’s not to say I don’t want to be found attractive but not only for my physical features, it has to be for so much more than that.
Some people will not have the capacity to love you the way you need to be loved. They may never be able to show you or make you feel like you need to. We have to learn this about ourselves; what love we need and how we need to be loved. Not only by a partner but by everyone in our lives. There is nothing wrong with being honest with people about your needs; maybe you can help them understand their own more by being honest with them.
Love can be a very deep and meaningful thing but it needs understanding and it needs time and energy. We can create for ourselves such rich rivers of love that run through our lives or we can allow a small trickle that will always leave us feeling likes less.
So, how deep do you want your love to be and what brand of love suits you?

The yin and yang in me

Most people think of male and female when you talk about yin and yang but the meaning goes much deeper and is much more fluent than this.

For me the yin and yang that I feel today is the satisfaction and the dissatisfaction in my life. I feel these in union not as opposing energies but as the same driving force. yin and yang

You see there are many things that I am really happy with. I don’t want to use the world grateful here as that almost seems like I should be grateful to someone or some unseen energy; which I’m not. I have worked, hard for the happiness that I have in my life.

There are equally areas in my life that feel uncomfortable; too tight a fit, not quite right and in need of adjustment. These areas of discomfort used to bother me, like a stone in my shoes I would be aware of them and feel that I needed to be rid of them.

I don’t feel that way about them any more though. I see them instead as an opportunity to grow, as a chance to reveal new and exciting layers in myself and for me to continue to develop.

They no longer feel like something I need to get rid of or something that I should feel ashamed to be carrying. Instead I see them like a gift because they give me a map of where I want to go to. They are the flag poles in my path that allow me to sense where it is I am going and where it is that I want to go.

This transition is a new one because I have the pot equally balanced. There are now as many things that I am happy and proud of as there are things that I know I still want to achieve. At a time when there seemed like nothing but things to shoot for and nothing that I was happy with; that was when the yin and yang went against me and there wasn’t that harmony and unity.

It’s taken something like ten years. For me to really scratch the itch inside of me. Ten years ago when I started sensing that there as more to life and that I could achieve it. Ten years of wondering how to get to that point and going through a thousand life changes to get there.

It feels both empowering and exciting because I can now see the wood for the trees and know that there is so much more to come but that the challenges now will be more enjoyable and peaceful somehow.

I don’t know if it seems like a long time or a short time because it seems like both to me. I do know that there are many more years of discovery and of using this balance of good and bad, negative and positive. We are never one thing; not ever. So for me the yin and yang inside me is just fine and finally petty neat and tidy.

Beauty is in the mind of the beholder


They say beauty is in the eye of the beholder but I don’t think this is exactly true. Whilst some people may have found me attractive over the years, others have seen only my flaws.

Attractiveness is about many things but for most people beauty is something that they have been programmed to see in a particular way.

It takes minutes to program someone’s mind and to reprogram their mind on how they perceive beauty. Told enough times that skinny is beauty and they will see only beauty in someone who is skinny.

More than that though people can ‘see’ someone in a certain light based on their own ‘stuff’ be it insecurities or desires. What if one person finds me beautiful because they sense my own insecurities and this gives them an opportunity to manipulate or it makes them feel good because of their insecurities? What is another person finds me attractive because I seem to have child bearing hips and they subconsciously are accessing me for motherhood, tapping into their inner caveman? Do I want them to be attracted to me for these reasons? Are these the things that I want people to notice or feel?

Beauty and attractiveness is not a set formula nor something that is stagnant or still.. On days when I feel more attractive and able to project my energy and confidence; I get more of a positive reaction from people. So therefore it is not how they see me on that day but how I see and indeed how I feel about myself.

Maybe my brain waves of “I feel good” hit that’s persons mind and they can feel that positive vibration and it influences how they see me? Maybe it changes how they feel about themselves and they like the version of them that I light up within them.

What if then, rather than us being told what is beautiful we just are beautiful because we are…. well us. Isn’t that beauty in itself? Us shining wonderful examples of unique people that are secure in whoever we are in that moment?

Maybe that is the issue though. Because we don’t get encouraged to find who we are or explore our unique selves, we end up completely confused about what it is that we love about ourselves or what makes us great.

How then do we know when someone is attracted to us for the right reasons and not because of our insecurities or theirs?

If we are sending out our ‘I’m probably a bit fat’ signal or ‘I don’t have the right hair’ signal then we can be ‘attracting’ someone in based on our negative vibrations rather than our positive.

With all those signals that are negative being beamed out then I guess when someone, anyone thinks we are attractive we can jump on that because we so want to feel good and to understand what makes us who we are. Only problem is we are allowing others to shape us or define us. We are letting others govern who we are and then wondering why our own life never seems to feel quite right.

Its hard to block out the noise, to take away the thoughts and projections of the many to be left with your own voice; your own vibration and sound.

It is in there somewhere, this tiny beating of a drum inside of you just waiting for you to notice it and then grow it like the most precious of seeds.

Like a new seed it can be delicate and need time and space to grow. It needs to learn to stop the weeds of doubts from allowing it to grow and it needs to be stunning and beautiful, even if it is not like the other flowers in the garden.

Instead grow your own garden; filled with the things that you put in there that you love and that in every way shows who you are. It takes time; it takes patience and some determination but in the end your beauty will be your very own and then if no one else agrees, it really will not matter because you will forever be at home in your own self.

Beauty is so many things and you could argue and talk about what the elements of beauty are. They will be different for everyone and they should be. I know for me beauty is unique; its powerful and its something that we create not others.


The elements of me

As I sit here I try and piece together the elements of my life; wondering all the time if I am where I want to be and how I decided what it is that I want anyway.

Some people say I think too much, as if thinking in itself is a bad thing and might be dangerous for me. But its not the amount you think that can be harmful but the way. Worry is harmful; contemplation and self awareness is just not. Especially if you focus on a positive goal or if that thinking is so you can take charge of your own life.

So what elements do I want to have in my life?

Desire I guess is one of the things, desire to feel more and to be more. To reach heights in my personal development that continue to inspire and challenge me. A balance of the tough aspects of me and life and that of the serene. I don’t want a one toned life or one that has been built by others.


Unique, individual; those are words that appeal to me.


Yet it’s painful; this thing of ripping off layers and trying to make yourself anew.


How can it not be?


You have to keep challenging yourself to be authentic; looking in the mirror and keep asking “But is THIS me?” and non of these things are easy. To keep realising that what you lived before wasn’t real; not real to you at any sense and that perhaps, just perhaps you have been designed by others. Maybe you are a reflection of all their pain and insecurities rather than the glorious creature you really are and can be.


You realise that you have missed things, opportunities perhaps or the chance to be really connected to someone because you just were not healed and whole enough at the time to embrace them.


As painful as it is and can be though it is incredible. It’s an amazing journey that continues to push you in directions you never thought possible. You can feel it; this becoming of self and you crave more and more as the layers continue to peel away or be burnt away! It can be like that; like a burning as your passions burn through the dull and the boring that you may have allowed your life to become. The inauthentic and the ridiculous that you have somehow become just because others decided it fit into their mould.


I try and wake every morning and ask myself “What can I do today that inspires me; that makes me feel more alive and more like me?”


Some days the answers don’t come. There is blankness and indecision and on others the ideas hit me like rainbows; shining bright and my mind just full of things I want to do. It is an ebb and flow like the ocean and it cannot be forced. You have days when you just need to rest and let your mind catch up and others when like a torrent you can push away and everything feels possible.


For me the important thing is to keep asking and to keep knowing that change is coming and that it is happening at a rate that I can cope with. I have become used to who I was and I have to allow time for the change to come and to happen in a way that doesn’t put me off its course. What I mean by this is if its too ferocious a thing then I might pull back and not want to move forwards. I have to except and enjoy the ebb and flow; to appreciate that each day is different and what I can cope with is different. Only then can I really be kind to myself in a way that allows the brave in me to come out and play.


Only then can I keep on the path; the one that I am making and the one that will lead to my true heart, to the home inside of me that feels just oh so right.

What if I’m a broken snowman

There are so many windows to my personality, so many dimensions to my being that I sometimes wonder; just who am I really?

Who designed this person that I carry around, the body attached to the mind and brain that has a thousands thoughts; and just whose thoughts are they?

Some may questions why this is important to me; to feel defined and whole. Maybe it shouldn’t be, except there is this nagging sensation that somewhere along the way I became so very lost inside and the projection of me that exists in the world is just….. not me.

I worry that I am the broken parts of me, fitted so badly together and created by the very people who want less for my life then I would want for myself. What if I am the so many parts of other people’s perceptions. What if those perceptions are not right, or even nice? What if I am the worst kind of snow man, made of mud and bricks and broken bits, all sharp and cruel and the one that it hurts daily is me.

Because what if I am the jealous parts of people, or the broken bits of them that they insist in seeing in others? What if I am the mirror at the fun fair; so distorted and angled that it doesn’t in fact even look like me.

What if I am the broken snow man, made of horrible bits and standing melting as like a stack of cards, precariously put together I am ready to fall. Ready to break into the many bits, made up of many other people’s thoughts that suddenly feel as if they are choking me and stopping me from breathing.

Who then do I become and what makes me….me.