You know when you have that sensation that something is not quite right, like a splinter in your finger; its such a small thing but it really catches your attention and refuses to let you rest.
For many years I felt discontent, as if something was missing and not quite right. I tried to fill this void, with relationships, at times with going out and ‘having fun’ with buying things or doing well at work and earning money and getting promoted. Yet I would always return to that state of ‘something is not quite right’ and continued to feel fulfilled.
It frustrated and upset me because I knew on some level that I had the answers and that this state was one that I didn’t need to be in.
I tried to seek advice and to work with either therapists or to ask friends, yet all the advice I gladly took from people only seemed to take me further away from whatever it was that kept poking away at me.
I think the real changes started to come ten years ago when I got my first horse and returned to my fist love; that of horses. For some reason being around them showed me that I had been living a life of illusion and one in which I wasn’t really being myself, but rather a version that everyone else wanted me to be. I didn’t like what I saw in myself and although I was successful on the surface, I didn’t feel it inside.
It wasn’t easy; seeing this in myself and realising that I had strayed so far from my path. Yet once I knew it then there was no ignoring the fact that there needed to be drastic changes.
I realised that the thorn in my side; the endless sensation of something being there was a version of myself that I needed to become. It had felt wrong because I had ignored it until it become so uncomfortable it felt separate from myself, yet it was the very part of me that I needed and it needed me.
It surprised me to realise this, that there was a part of me that was more real and precious then the version that I had become but that at first it felt uncomfortable and wrong. I think it was because it would stick out; this version. It would make others uncomfortable and so at first I feared it. I tried to become something close to it, like putting on a coat with without really becoming it.
I needed to completely except myself to embrace the version of me that was real and was right and over the years I have found that not only has it become comfortable but its become an exquisite thing. It frees you from others opinions and from the thoughts they may have on you. It literally saves you from your own life and allows you to feel happy and secure in your own skin.
Not only that but it radiates out bringing the people and circumstances that truly reflect you and making everything in your life just fit beautifully.
The struggle is worth it, the knowing of yourself the most gorgeous thing you can give to yourself. Your life; your path is not something anyone else can give you but the most wonderful gift you can give to yourself.